Independent To A Fault (pt 1)

Independence is good….right? Well, we just celebrated Independence Day as a nation and we are all thankful for that but what about as individuals? Independence is defined as not requiring or relying on something/someone else…..not looking to others for one’s opinions for guidance in conduct-not relying on others. Being independent is viewed as a good characteristic to have. We want our kids to be independent. Having a “healthy” independence IS a good thing….. but can independence be a negative thing? The answer is YES! Let me tell you how I know.

I’ve always been independent. I think I was born independent……I think I was taught to be independent….. and then, unfortunately, I had my rug ripped out from under me at the age of 10 (parents divorced) and I was FORCED to be independent. That’s when I became excessively self-reliant or “independent to a fault”. I became “obnoxiously” independent and it affected me and my relationships in a negative way. I’m not proud of this but I’m sharing because I know I’m not the only one and I hope my transparency helps someone else.

The sad part is I didn’t realize I was obnoxiously independent and I saw my independence as just being a strong person. I looked at it as a positive thing. I even bragged about being independent. With this came…… a lack of trust in others and avoiding vulnerability and intimacy with others….. because I didn’t NEED anyone! And……. this truth is probably the hardest to admit but I felt the need to be in CONTROL of everything so I would not be vulnerable to having my “rug” pulled out from under me again. (We also refer to this….. as lovingly as possible….as a “control freak”). What started out as a good trait, grew to an ugly characteristic that has cost me. I can look back now and see where it affected so many areas of my life. I use the word “affected” – past tense – because I now realize it, admit it, and work on it! I still struggle with it but I’m aware of it and, in my opinion, that’s half the battle!

Unfortunately, the relationship most affected was my marriage. “The two shall become one”. Well, that doesn’t exactly go with not depending on someone. Duh! Why didn’t I see it sooner? The answer is because I didn’t want to get hurt. If I wasn’t dependent on Jerry, he couldn’t hurt me. Well, remember when we mentioned lack of trust and vulnerability that affects intimacy (defined closeness and connection)? I was sabotaging what I wanted and needed most! If Jerry and I had a disagreement (or sometimes just in every day conversation), I would remind him that I didn’t NEED him (or anyone) and I often “invited” him to leave. As you can see, I was a barrel of fun to be married to! Somehow, by the grace of God, Jerry stayed! He stayed and he stayed and he stayed! Then, somewhere along the way, I admitted to myself that my “obnoxious independence” was keeping me from having the relationship with him that I wanted and needed so badly. After recognizing it, admitting it, and working on it (present tense), I allowed myself to be dependent and vulnerable with Jerry. With the vulnerability came intimacy. With intimacy, our relationship got stronger and better. Now, I am, indeed, a barrel of fun to be married to! O.k., that’s probably stretching the truth a little but it is my blog so if I want to pretend I’m fun, so be it!

Pt 2 of “Independent To A Fault” will focus on how our “obnoxious independence” can affect our relationship with Christ.

~Mandy

p.s.

I’ll get Jerry to proofread this before I post it. You wanna know why? Because we are a team! Because he’s got my back! And……I NEED him❤️ (Also, I would never share something this personal without his consent)